nothing can quite compare to the comfort of a belly full of a fresh latte. The aroma that fills your nose, warms your belly and puts a smile on your face as you take your first sip.
If you don't already know, I am a person who LOVES to be comfortable.
So what's my dilemma?
I'm not allowed to be comfortable anymore.
Comfort is hurting me.
Comfort is hurting my family.
Change does not always happen in comfort.
I love going home to visit my family because any time my husband and I are able to get away it’s like a mini vacation for my mind. All of the “to-do” lists of the week evaporate into thin air. Work is on the back burner of my mind. And my head just seems to take a deep sigh of relief as I escape the routine of life and just head home.
But something funny would always happen as I spent time at home, as much as I would relax, my eating disorder is constantly in the back of my mind, taking the comforts of home away from me, nagging me back into my own realities as I tried so hard to leave them back in Illinois.
So, as comfortable as home is to visit, I was always filled with a sense of relief in knowing that once I got back to our apartment, I would have all the comforts of my regular schedule, my regular food and my regular gym. but the problem now is that comfort is costing me.
It’s costing me my health
It’s costing me my relationships
It’s costing my family their peace of mind
As I traveled back to Illinois 10 days ago, my mom and I driving down the highway together I realized, I no longer get to be comfortable. Nothing gets to be the same when I reach my apartment threshold. I don’t get to eat the same foods, I don’t get to have my same routines and work out in the ways that make me feel safe. but sometimes safe doesn’t always mean progress.
I want so badly for things to be different. I want my body to be strong. I want to mend the brokenness this eating disorder has caused. But as much as I’m motivated, ED wants me to continue in this comfort. To continue in this place where I’m safe.
So, my husband and mom are here in my life right now to remind me why I want to be un-comfortable. Pushing me to push against the constant pull back into that comfort zone. And it may not always look like much, but it’s these small decisions every day, these small steps out of the “zone” that bring me closer to the things I (Alicia) want for myself.