Choosing to move.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Hi friends! 

This blogging absence has been WAY longer than anticipated, but I suppose that’s what happens when your MOVING!!

Wha wha what??


not my house. i wish. but it's my parents!

Jake and I have moved to Michigan, and not only back to Michigan, but in with my parents. 

By now, some of you my be thinking “gee, this girl seems real attached to her family, wasn’t her mom just living with her”? 

Yes. yes she was. 

And now we live with them. 

Because I need them...

I need my family. This awesome, amazing family. 

I’ve decided to sincerely live into this recovery and I need help. I’ve always thought that recovery was something I could do on my own. Couldn’t I just plug in the necessary steps and make myself do it?

I’d like to think that I could, I’m a very independent person. But recovery is different. 

Just in the amount of time my mom was in my house, I made more progress in that one month than the last year was able to offer me. 

When I surrounded myself with support, it allowed me to open up to so many other aspects of recovery. 

I may sound like a broken record, but really entering into emotionally experiencing this process has allowed so much forward motion into my life. 

Having my mom around meant that I could let myself be sad. 
be afraid
be frustrated
be comforted. 

I no longer had to do all of those things for myself all at once. keeping it all together, while trying to plow through the tornado going on in my head. Having my family around has been awesome. 

So much so that when the opportunity came up, Jake and I agreed that it was my best chance at success to move back home and be with family. 

And maybe I don’t always need them. every single day. and maybe I need them more than I think. But knowing they’re there, gives me strength. And when I don’t have any they’ve been there to give it back. 

There is something super empowering about being back home

Which is something I never thought I’d say. 
I don’t like to feel needy. 
But sometimes you need to be to get to where you need to go?

I don’t know. haha

If you’ve stuck through my novel of thoughts through this post. you’re awesome!

Accepting the Rollercoaster of change

Tuesday, July 14, 2015
I had another post in mind but this is in the forefront of my head I just had to share!

So, I need to get out more because conversation really brings out so much insight. And today I was in amazing company with a good friend and my head is overflowing with thoughts!

"You are no longer defined by ED."

Today, I was explaining to my friend how I was sad about certain things that have come up on my journey. 
Not that I am any less motivated, 
but that I was sad. 

Sad for what I was loosing. 

even thought I know in the long run, I’m gaining SO much more

She acknowledged that it’s not a lack in motivation, but that it’s grief. Grief because I’m loosing part of my identity. I am no longer the identity of my ED. Which I never really thought I was, but as this recovery process is picking up, there are indeed ways I see how I’m sad these parts of my life are ending. 

Again not to say that I’m not motivated. 

I know what my goals are.
and I want them so desperately 

But in order to heal, there needs to be grief. And I think that’s what was missing when I came out of the hospital last May. 

I never let myself experience my emotions. There was no grief, so there wasn’t time to heal and move on in this journey. 
John Green-The Fault In Our Stars

I’m finally beginning to understand what that means. 
There can’t be any moving forward if you try to push through where you are at the present. Which is what I was doing a year ago. And I think partly why I am where I am today. 
So, as Charlie Brown always reminds us. There is such a thing as “good grief”

So while things are changing in my life, and maybe not always in the most drastic ways, I’m going to practice letting myself really acknowledge where I am. 

Accepting that in the midst of so much change. i don’t have to power through them to reach the other side. sometimes having a good cry is all you need to move on ;)

Think-back Tuesday: What I did this 4th!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015
So, lately my posts have been very introspective and mostly me just letting all the thoughts in my head flow out of my fingers. Which isn’t the worst, 


There is so much more happening in my world outside of recovery. And I think while I’m in the midst of this whole process, it’s important to remember the joy that pops up in everyday life. 

I feel like the fourth of July brings out this big expectation of family parties, cook-outs, parades and fireworks, while that’s all good and well, I was super thankful that the fourth  brought me a time to pause. 

I got to just take a break
and breathe. 

I’m so glad my mom in still in town, and while she’s here we’ve been enjoying all the local things to do in town!

A big part of any weekend routine involves a Starbucks pitstop. Being a barista has it's perks! After much trial and error, I've found my perfect drink. 

After a fuel, 

we found AMAZING raspberry jam at the farmers market in town, 
a quick bargain at Barnes and Noble to encourage my writing habits, 
and a relaxing end to the afternoon with lunch on the patio. 

But most of all, spending my time with the people I love so much this fourth of July weekend was something I was so thankful for. 

Family is one of the most relaxing places to be for me. I love these folks!!

Wishing you all an amazing week :)

Finding Fridays

Friday, July 3, 2015
I'm hoping to use Friday's as my "Finding Fridays". Making a point to carve out this day to find the joy in the day, week, or maybe something small that happened 10 minutes ago!!

So tonight, I wanted to share with you where my joy came from this week 

“Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can.”

This kind reminder came not only in the words I found this afternoon, but also this morning in a conversation with a friend when I was reminded to be patient. 

So, let me back up just a couple of days. Things have kind of been piling up in some kind of internal warfare this week. Lately it has really been hitting home with how much ED puts such a dissonance in my head. Because there is ME, the me who wants to just be healthy and fit, the me who wants to make my family proud by finding success in recovery, the me who wants my relationships just to breathe with a sigh of relief because this is all over. 

But then there is the other voice. The voice that in the midst of every health scare brings me back to my mirror, makes me stress, makes me worry. 

I want nothing more than for this voice to be gone!! 

It’s frustrating! 

Because ME knows how free my life could be and it’s all I want. 

But here we are. 

And here is where I found my joy and comfort this week, in the words of my friend, reminding me to “just be patient” 

Patient with myself
Patient with where I am at in recovery
Patient with those involved who only want to help
Patient with this process that takes SO much time. 

The Lord continues time and again to be gracious to us that I think I often forget he’s given me that gift. I’m thankful for the kind reminder to just be patient. To sit with where I am in my journey and to not get caught up in the comparison of my journey with others :)

Sorry it's a small post tonight, but the holiday calls for family time!
Happy 4th Friends!

-How are you celebrating?

-How have you seen God’s grace this week?
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