Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Car chases 
Foreign countries
Damsel in distress
Revenge seeking parents
Liam Neeson 

When I hear “taken” those are the first things that come to mind. Shady black market deals, people held against their will and Liam Neeson out to get them all. Spoiler alert. Bad guys loose, Liam saves the day, the family sees better days. . .

There are so many ways in which we feel like things are taken from us. Student loans take our money, jobs take away our time, being stuck in a funk takes our smile. And what’s crazy is that we don’t see it happen. But when we take an objective step back it’s easy to see where we stand in the scheme of things. So I have something to tell you. . . 

I was taken. 

It didn’t happen suddenly. I wasn’t drug from under my bed without warning to a place I’ve never been before. But it happened quietly. Unbeknown to me. 
I no longer was a part of the life I use to live. 

 --ED took so much of who I was. 

It began so small. Choices I thought were my own. Habits that grew into lifestyles I thought I (Alicia) wanted. It all felt like me. I was never separate from ED. People told me that it was there, that ED was a problem and something really needed to be done. But to me, I couldn’t see. It took my sight. I was never myself. 
And like I said, I was taken, but it all happened slowly. I was still able to feel like myself, pursue the things that I was passionate about but little by little it crept in.  

This is all probably SUPER vague, and maybe sometime soon I’ll share more of my story. My whole story? I don’t know. What do you want to hear? But I’m sharing this little chunk now because as time is moving on, and I’m able to move forward, it feels like the first time I can objectively see what was going on. ED took me from my life. And it’s frustrating. Because how did I not see it until now? 

How did I not know it took me from my friends? Because I could feel it. 
I always felt like I was never able to fully have a friend. 

Now I know it held me back so much from just being a normal 24 year old. I was never fully investing in others because it had me investing so much of who I was into it. And I really miss friends. Like holy cow. ED took so much of who I was, became such a part of me  and I see it now. I can tell how much I couldn’t really be a friend, and I miss my friends. (I hope that phrasing was coherent). 

I hate that ED took me from the things I loved. 

Ministry was a huge part of my plans after college, and during college but it’s gone now. Like how did I not see what it was doing? Isn’t it weird? I had such a heart and desire to be involved and with the ministry I was in, but not even that could bring me  back from where ED was taking me. I had such a sense of false comfort. That everything was fine. This was everything I wanted. But it wasn’t. And as much as it had taken from me. I miss being comfortable. But it was never a life of comfort. It was such a fake comfort. And I’m adjusting. Maybe I used to miss what I thought ED gave me. But now I’m sad for everything I know it took. 

I don’t say all that to have you be sad for me either. Because like I said, I’m able to see now, so much more objectively than I used to. And it makes me so excited. I used to be scared of change, but lately I’m enjoying the challenge. I’m excited for where continued recovery is going to take me next. I’m thankful that I have been able to take myself back. Just crazy that I am just now realizing where I thought I was!

The beginning of the month just brought on so much reflection for me. It was helpful to write. So I hope it didn’t sound too messy. 

What do you think:
-Should I share my whole story?

-What do you know now that you wished you knew then?

Check this out!!

P.S. exciting news!! Julia from Lord Still Loves Me is hosting a round-up! Featuring posts from other blogs and women on other perspectives and areas of their own recovery. Go check her out, her blog is so wonderful


  1. -Should I share my whole story?
    If you want! But its important to not focus on where you have been.. focus on where you are going. I have to say you are incredibly honest and brave for what you have shared so far, I admire you. While I def consider myself recovered from my ED I still never talk about it, ever. Even with the people who knew about my hospitalizations and therapies and what not. Maybe one day .I think for some reason I still identify ED with shame ect (which I shouldn't). I admire you for your strength. I have been scared to even comment on your blog about my own ED journey (why? I don't know) but your amazing. Do you what you feel comfortable with .

    -What do you know now that you wished you knew then? That everything will be ok. Really. it sounds cheesy but one day at a time. You can and will get better! One day at a time. I never thought I would go a day with out thinking about ED and whamo, Im here. I now only think of it in the context of a hard time I went through. And somewhere I never want to go back

    1. I'm so thankful you felt comfortable to post!! I agree it's important not to live and stay stuck in the past. And I definitely don't want to only be defined as this sole struggle for the rest of my life. But for me, I think it's a defining part of shaping where I'll go, so to acknowledge where I've been, it'll be healing. I really haven't given myself the time to sit back and acknowledge that, so I'm seeing it more as therapeutic. And if I can help give people just a picture of what it looked like for me, I'd like to do that. Because it's not all the same for everyone, and I think there's so much mystery about struggling with ED, that I'd like to help people understand at least where I'm coming from if I can.
      This is a long reply haha! Sorry!! But I am absolutely thankful for your words! Hope you're doing well love :)

  2. Alicia,

    I love love love reading your blogs! You are a gifted writer and I enjoy reading about your recovery. I just am inspired by how your eyes have been opened to what is truly important and you are openly sharing this. Thank you for all of your posts!


  3. Wow, what a story, and praise God that He brought you back. I am always incredibly blessed when people want to share their whole story of ED and recovery, but I know it's hard, so don't do it unless you REALLY want to. Know that we are hear to listen and read and encourage you in the journey, and that you aren't in this alone. Thank you for being vulnerable.

    1. Emily! So sorry I just saw this, I was away on vacation. But thank you so much. You have no idea, this made me smile so much and my heart so happy! Thank you for taking the time to read and venture over here! Hope you are doing well :)


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