a year ago, a year from now.

Monday, February 8, 2016
I never used to put much weight into setting goals. Because honestly, I don’t think adult me knew how to set “non college oriented goals”.

As I got ready to sit down with my family for the big game, I thought about where I was last year.

It’s crazy to think that a year ago this Super Bowl I was sitting in my parents living room. 
Snowed in from driving home, I sat with family and watched the game, enjoyed commercials, and was forced to really sit down and think about where I was going next.

Obviously I wasn’t driving down I-94 anytime soon.

But what more in terms of what was going to be my next step.
It had roughly been about 7 months since my stay at Linden Oaks hospital, and I had myself all over the map.

Dropped my meal plan, took up tons of cardio, began secluding myself and had worked my way out of being a role model for my middle school girls.

Snow piling up and nowhere to go, my family took that time to really discuss with me the seriousness of the path I was on. Part of me knew it, but there was a bigger darker part that really didn’t want me to understand what was happening. 
Trying to keep both parties at bay, I decided to try at home recovery, on my own, finding my own support and my own help, and if I couldn’t do it, I would return to the hospital.
And that is where we left it after that Super Bowl weekend.

I had no idea where I wanted to be that next week, let alone a year from then. All I knew was that I did NOT want to end up back in the hospital. 


I think not having any real sense of direction led me from serious, to an intensely serious situation. 

Sparing you a repeat of details from my ED story, we fast-forward.

A year from now…


I had a blast light night watching Super Bowl 50 with my family.
I have certainly come strides from where I was last football game. 
So much looked and felt different from last year.
And it got me thinking...
Where do I want to be a year from now? 

I look up to all these people on Instagram, or people from training websites and their transformation pictures are PHENOMENAL.
Like so inspiring.
I would love that for myself.

And for too long I sat there stuck. 

Doing the same things day in and day out expecting something to change.
People. That is the definition of crazy.
Change won’t just happen.

The shift that started my lifestyle change all began a year ago, sitting in my parent’s living room, really thinking about what I wanted for myself. Maybe I didn't know it well then, but I know it now.

My goals since then have changed and grown with me. 
Now I’m able to set my sights on new things, and some things I didn’t know then that I would want for myself now.
Some times I’m bummed.
I wish the girl that’s here now would have showed up a year ago. Maybe I would have back some of the things I lost.

But then I don't think I would have really appreciated this journey, and where it has brought me today. 

Left: last year Right: this year

I'm thankful for that. 
I don't think I would be where I am today without sitting down and thinking about where I wanted to go. 

So now I’m ready for more!

I want to look back a year from now and see a difference
And that difference starts when I set that goal.
That will change what I do 5 months from now.
2 weeks from now.
Even what I am doing tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to next year’s Super Bowl. That’s all I have to say

Get ready for Paczki's!!!

Share with me!
-What goals do you have for yourself today, next month, next week or even tomorrow??
-Who's partaking in Fat Tuesday?
-Do you have a favorite filling for your Paczki? 

Leave a comment below :)

it is well.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

It’s been hard to have a good perspective on recovery lately, especially when I’ve been feeling pretty good overall.

And maybe that’s why I’ve had a hard time thinking through what to say.

Things have been going well though.

The holiday season kind of took me on a coast through life. Sort of a “go with the flow” being here and there with meals, and treats. In a good way though! It gave me a break from thinking through what’s next and what’s next. It was comfortable to just be and enjoy the holiday.

As the New Year started I felt good, and then I feel like everything caught up with me.

My days started to get harder to get through, and I feel like it has taken me a while to bounce back from the holiday “un-schedule”.

And as I said, things overall have been good, but can still tend to be rough. 

There is still a lot that I need to let go of.
Body checking.
Worrying about-unknown food or unprepared meals.
What will happen to my body without my schedule. 

But even with the entire negative, there’s a lot that motivates me now.

Yes. This almond butter is a huge motivator. 

I don't think I can say I always find myself living in the sense of Could 9 positivity, probably most days I tend not to.

However, things are starting to look different.

I used to feel stuck, like things would stay negative forever. But it’s getting easier to keep moving forward.

There is still a lot to get used to.
-A new body.
-Seeing a new shape in the mirror.
-Trying to like what I see.
-Clothes that fit differently (or that don’t fit at all).
-My face is fuller.

Sometimes I’m proud, and that feels weird. But a good weird. 

Because I don’t know if a lot of people, myself included, thought I could do this on my own.

And I get super exited about all the progress I’m making. 
All the support I’ve received through family and friends makes me so happy.

But then I get worried. Like what if what I’ve done hasn’t been enough?
Like, I’d love to share progress photos, but what if they aren’t good enough?

I guess I’m worried people might judge me for how I’m recovering. Which is probably silly. But this has been on my mind lately. I’m genuinely happier. Things are getting easier. I spend less and less time wrapped in ED’s thoughts and it’s really cool.

Hope you guys are great! And woah! Ready to kick off February (yea, spell check had to correct that spelling once or twice. . .Februurarry? Febwuray?)

-should I post more progress photos? is that weird
-can I tell you anything else about myself?
-what are some staples in your cupboard that I can add to my own!

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