I never thought I would be on the other side of this disorder.
I honestly thought I would be one of those people that just dealt with it for the rest of my life. Or at least be really in the thick of things for a long time.
|Back in the summer.|
But it’s crazy because things are so different. And I never thought it could be.
It’s so weird. I literally could not see the problem.
I’ve said before, I know there is so much more to go. And that my life can be even fuller then it is now. But these last few weeks, I’ve been able to really appreciate where my life is at the present moment.
When Jake and I first moved to Michigan, people would ask if it was good? Were things better now? And initially I just answered “yes”. But I don't know if I really meant it. I was happy to be home, I loved growing up in Michigan, but I think I just gave people an answer.
Now, for the first time, I’m able to see how much this move has really impacted me.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved living in Downers Grove.
It was close to friends. Close to my church. Everything was just two minutes down the road.
Trader Joe’s to Nordstrom to Starbucks, I didn’t have to think about it, we could just get in the car and go. Bored? Lets’ just call someone and hang out.
What I noticed now is that my eating disorder could hide in Downers Grove. Smile. Be busy. Don't think about it.
There was so much to fill my time with. I never needed to work through things because there was always a way to avoid it. I could avoid meal times. I could avoid the feelings. I could just go with the flow of being busy and pay no attention to ED. Things occupied my time. Work, friends, church, they would come and go and ED could hide, keeping me stuck. I had no appreciation for the things I was a part of because they were always there. Just a phone call, or walk away all these things were right there.
|I literally thought there was nothing wrong.|
For a while, I never felt like I had anything to give up. To change.
But so much is different now.
ED can't hide anymore.
Yea, I live in a small town now.
But it’s so good.
Yes. It has its restraints.
If I want to be somewhere, it isn’t at my beck and call. My friends aren’t close anymore. But ED has been fully exposed.
I’ve had time to focus on it. Work through my thoughts. And honestly my life has never been more full. Like the difference is insane.
I went back recently to visit my old small group of girls and spend time with them and the other leaders I worked with while I was in Illinois. We had a great time! Sleepover, snacks and a lot of pictures later I was on my way home.
That’s not the only thing that’s changed. I’m able to be a better wife now.
Joining Jake for coffee, sharing donut holes at Tim Horton’s, eating meals together, spending real time with each other. My life is so much more authentic and full now then it ever has been before.
I’m so thankful I’m learning how to cope with mental illness, and be real, and be myself.
Able to have fun and eat dessert before dinner when I’m spending the day with my cousins. Able to share meals with my family.
Able to be the role model I always wanted to be.
Able to be more full of love than fear.