sometimes you want to quit.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016
wow guys. wow.



Literally it’s been so long since I’ve posted. Again I just hit a spell where I felt like I really had nothing to say. More honestly, I think in the times that I don’t know what to blog are the times when I’ve really been hitting some walls. Like really awful walls.



So let me summarize.
I can hands-down say that a huge part of my recovery has been through weight training. Focusing on heath. Wellness. Strength. And learning what to give my body in order to get that. Has helped me come farther than I thought I could. 

--DISCLAMER.
--This journey to recovery is not the be all, end all. I am not a doctor. I don’t think exercise is the best way to recover for everyone. I can’t say that it is the healthiest way to recover. It just worked for me. I didn’t do it alone. Always had support. Always knew what to feed my body. Do not start a fitness regimen without consulting a doctor. Please.

So. 
Back to fitness.



I felt it was the best way to recover  partly because I had talked myself into thinking that it was a way I could get healthy, make my parents happy, and still get the best “body” or version of my physical self. That’s why I started researching body building anyway. 
Now, this was back in like July. 
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULY.

But even more so, a lot has happened within this last month.

bottom is January, top is March

Up until about April I felt so great. 
I thought I was doing all the right things, lifting all the weights, making “gains”. 
But my body was starting to plateau. 
I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to, but I wasn’t looking as lean, or putting on muscle like I thought. So I decided to find a coach.

Side bar, it’s been a phenomenal experience. Helping me reach my goals, get to where I need to be in the healthiest way possible. I'm super excited about my training. 
But up until I found my coach and got started on my program, I thought I was doing everything right. 

source
Do you ever do that? You think you’re doing everything right. Then suddenly find out that you had veered WAY off the path. Yea. That was me.
Before I wanted to body build,  I researched. 
A lot. 
I looked into how much muscle to gain and what was ideal for every month of my training. So I planned out meals, routines, and just went for it. Forgoing numbers and just doing what felt right. So when I hopped on my scale to send all my stats to my coach, I felt so proud. 
And then the number shows up.

12 pounds up. In TWO MONTHS????
What?

I literally didn’t know how to handle that. 
In the physical sense, I’m healthy. Good weight. BMI. My body is functioning, as it should be. But I felt like an enigma. 
That increase must be some kind of record. 
I tried to let it go. To move on with the morning. But by the end of that night, it festered so much in my mind that I exploded. 
Anxiety and panic over took my entire self. I haven’t weighed this much in YEARS. Years. But it’s not normal to not weigh that much. So the next morning, I just had to put on my big girl pants and move on.



As I got ready to start my training. I went over my meals, which I hadn’t done in months. I found where I went wrong. 
Unknowingly. I was eating 1000 calories more than I thought I was.  And to the outside person, who knows my struggle, looking in, probably thinks-well hey! That’s good. You needed to gain weight.

But honestly I’ve felt like I sabotaged all my fitness plans ever since that day. And that was back in like March. I haven’t been able to shake that.

I’ve been able to take it day by day. I love my training program, and my coach. And now that I’m on the right track, right diet, I feel better. But it’s seriously still looming over my head. And it all came crashing in again last night.

I caught a glimpse of a picture of myself from over the weekend. And I hated it. I hated everything about it. And all those feelings of everything I could have done better, should have known better crept in.

Honestly. Like real honesty time. I wanted to quit. 

Out loud I said to myself, to Jake, I would rather be deathly skinny than look the way I do right now. I never wanted to be here. I planned out everything. I should not have wound up where I am physically. I was done.

Disappointed in my weight gain. I just wanted to quit.
ED is right there. And honestly, I can have it back whenever I want.

But fitness is about so much more than just being shredded.
It’s about strength, and finding that strength, even outside the gym, to just keep pushing through. Even when it’s easier to quit. To just not “trust the process” anymore. And right now, I honestly don’t. But that doesn’t mean I can go back to where I came from. You've just got to keep going. When it’s uncomfortable, there are tears, you just want to go back to what’s comfortable and easy, but you wake up the next morning and eat your breakfast anyway.



And that’s where I am right now. I’m really having a hard time with self love and accepting my body for where it is now. But you’ve just got to keep trying. Keep working. And that’s my next goal for the blog.

I want to bring you along on my 12 week program. Share my progress. My highs, lows and all the middle stuff. That is my next plan!
I'm already on my second week and I feel great. I'm trying to let go of what's happened, and look ahead. 
More honesty, I'm glad my "planned out recovery" didn't go as planned. Because God has something SO much bigger in his eyes planned out. And if hitting the point I hit last night can help me understand or help just one person. I'm happy. 

Also, feel free to find me on Instagram. I want to promote vulnerability and I try to be as open as I can, and another outlet that has been mostly private for me is my Instagram. I’ve documented my shift from recovery to fitness on my second account. Look me up @a.bosslife

In other news, I want to vlog. Maybe that will be easier than some of these novel posts. But what do you think??

Comment, text, email, find me on IG. Let me know!
Love you all so much 













3 comments:

  1. I can relate so much to your struggle!! Recovery is so dang hard!! I had a meltdown about a month ago for the same reason you had your freak out- I had never weighed as much as I do right now. Mentally I know my weight gain is due to my lupus meds being jerked around and recovery, but it definitely has me in a rough place. Anyone else thinks I look fine, but I feel disgusting and not like myself. It's hard and so many people don't understand, so I can 100% relate to you! Stay strong and thankfully God's grace and strength is always abundantly more than we could imagine! Side note- you should absolutely continue blogging, I loved reading it :)

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  2. You are so beautiful, strong and open. I have never known the struggles you have but I'm proud of your drive and determination for a healthier you. You're amazing! As always, you inspire me to be open, honest and dedicated to my goals. Much love girl ��

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  3. Today you're going to find out which best Affiliate Markting Training courses and programs on the market to help you become a successful ..

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